Updated: Sep 13, 2020

Is that dingle dangle dingle dangling a little more dingly dangly than before? Is your WAP feeling more like a DAP recently? Are your genitalia in need of some serious TLC? Who am I kidding? Of course, they are! But your untouched, unloved, and unnoticed genitals notwithstanding, many other minor and major improvements to your mediocre life can be made. Now, a wise man once said, “Fisha’ you gotta’ consida’ tha little victories: them little wins, Fisha’. They’s what counts the most.” I sometimes reflect upon this guy’s words. I sometimes consider the long-term implications of taking this advice. And I sometimes consider the audience’s genitalia while I ponder those implications. Is this weird? Maybe. Is it invasive? Certainly. Am I willing exploit your gentiles to try and sell PS5’s on my website? Absolutely -- At least someone’s getting’ some use out of them.

Your sad, little flippy floppy is a direct result of living a pathetic and useless existence. Your unbothered swampy rat hole directly correlates to your lack of social interaction. Your dry, unlovable, beefy meat cavern reflects your poor and miserable life as an amateur cat farmer; furthermore, it could benefit from some good ole’ video gaming. Sure, that old slip-and-slide ain’t seen a beef stick since the good ole’ days when it saw far too many -- but pre-ordering a PS5 from our website will undeniably put your current living style down, flip it, and reverse it.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Change isn’t just some thing that the Wal-Mart folk hand back to you when you’re done purchasing a meticulously selected zucchini for alone time with your unmentionable love hole. No, change must occur in steps. Change must happen in tiny bits. And when you finally realize that this is how it’s done, your tiny bits will begin to appear a tiny bit more appealing to yourself and others.

Let’s be honest with ourselves here. If your god-awful giblets were getting the attention they deserved, then you wouldn’t be reading this article in the first place. I understand that. Moreover, I salute your contribution to the number one gaming website this side of the Mississippi. But reading the article isn’t enough. No, one must first pre-purchase this gaming thingy I’m loosely basing this article around in order to fulfill one’s potential sexual proficiency. “Why must I buy a PS5 to improve my sex life, though?” you might find yourself asking. Well lemme tell ya why: Because spending money is fun. Be honest; engaging in day-to-day commerce is the only thing that keeps you from dangling a little longer with that belt around your neck after finishing up with your daily auto-asphyxiation fix. It’s the only thing that brings you joy in your otherwise bland and meaningless existence. Therefore, there is a very real possibility, nay, a certainty that you will become new person after pre-purchasing your PS5 from our humble website. If buying lamps and other meaningless shit fills you with the elation you need to go out and buy more lamps and meaningless shit, then pre-ordering a PS5 will certainly improve your sex life by at least ten-fold.

I understand that my thesis might appear a bit shaky, but please consider my life situation while finishing up this article: I’ve already pre-ordered a PS5 from the Lazygamer HQ (website), and I’m now real busy making the ladies legs a little more shaky than they once were before I made this purchase. See, my unlovable giblets benefited from my future ownership of a PS5. And because of how much I’m getting laid now, I don’t have the time to even properly develop a thesis. That’s how much MY sex life has improved since the purchase. And I’m a lovable, industrious, young man with actual purpose in his life. Just imagine being more like me: having purpose. Just imagine having meaning. Just imagine purchasing a PS5 and the amount of consenting strangers that will want to touch your junk once they see your new and improved outlook on life. Actually, don’t just imagine: Actually do. Actually pre-order a PS5 from the Lazygamer website, and actually see your desired sexual virility actualize before your very eyes.