Updated: Jun 17, 2020
Why do we video game? Seriously. This is not rhetorical. In fact, it is anything but that. So, why do we video game? I wish I could tell our dozens of readers that I have the answer to this decades-old question, but I'm afraid any conclusions I draw are nothing beyond pure conjecture. Nevertheless, we can speculate. Additionally, with proper analysis, rigor, and page one google research, we might actually be one step closer to mitigating the stranglehold that, often violent, video games have on our culture.
To answer the above question I must rely upon my own introspective capabilities and attempt to resolve this interrogative at a local, more personal level. So, why do I game, or rather why did I start video gaming? Did my parents beat me with imitation salami whilst ridiculing my lack of physical, extra-curricular activities? Had my potential love life fizzled and shriveled into a shadow of its former self leaving me with no other routes of companionship other than the representative ones and zeroes that accompany me throughout my various digital journeys? Did I start video gaming as a method to infiltrate and disrupt numerous, unspecified government organizations and finally call forth the tides of our new and glorious revolution (Viva La Resistance)?
In short, no. None of these statements, albeit true, hold the answers that we are looking for. No, my video gaming days are preceded by something else: something different, yet as common as the scenarios presented in the above paragraph. Why do I game? Why did I first pick up the controller? To put it simply -- I wanted superpowers. I wanted to leap at heights not known to man in the physical realm. I wanted to make the heads of my enemies to explode to a cacophony of screams and shrieks. I wanted to crush little candies with the intensity of one thousand prizefighters whose diets disallow sweets. This is the cold, hard reality of my dive into video gaming, and it is one that I must confront.
At this point, you might find yourself asking, "Mr. Fisher, what the heck does this have to do with cucumber slices?" And this is not an unfair question. Perhaps the title was thought of before the actual content was written, and I am now chasing my own tail trying to tie the two together. But I'm a professional, darn it! There is no way that I would abuse and besmirch the journalistic integrity of a glorious, yet fledgling institution such as lazygamer.org. At any rate, when one considers the addictive qualities of video games, the relevance of cucumber slices becomes all too obvious: there must be a way to substitute the former for the latter.
Recently, I have explored the addictive qualities of cucumbers (there are none) and set out to see if they have any relation to what makes a video gamer a video gamer (see above parenthetical). But do not fret, dear reader. This is a frontier not yet explored by man, and one cannot measure his success without first counting his many failures. Moreover, this path less taken will be continuously explored and soon after conquered. But for now, the question, "Are Cucumber Slices an Adequate Substitute for Video Gaming?" has been answered:
No, they are not.